Down (2001) AKA The Shaft (2001)

 

Down is a movie about a killer elevator and the people who want to repair it, the people who want to protect it, and the people who want to expose it. It's a complex story with complex characters. 

One of those sentences is accurate; the other is bullshit. The movie wants you to believe both as it tells the story of a couple ex-Desert Storm Vets working on elevators in New York when one of them become sentient. That sentience uncovers some mysteries along the way and kills people too. If you've ever wondered what a movie about a murderous appliance might look like, and wondered why someone wouldn't just pull its plug or simply stand far enough out of its reach...this movie is for you. 

If you were already afraid of elevators, this scene probably has you biting your nails.

In addition to specifically terrifying people who were scared of elevators before they started watching, Down/The Shaft is a movie of it's time. By that, I mean it captured the few months before 9/11, and that's obvious in its skyline panoramas. 

But more than the cityscape, this movie puts the viewer into a moment in history where people carried chunky cellphones and didn't text one another. Plus, there's rollerblading. 

Set, of course, to Aerosmith's 1989 classic "Love in an Elevator"

The film's story is centered on a possessed elevator that kills people. There's a lightning strike, then the elevator does its murdering. You might be wondering if the kills are gory, horror-ific, etc. And I can tell you...no. They are not. You might also be wondering if the Killer Elevator somehow develops some character and motivation for these killings to make them more interesting. It does not. 

Captivating stuff.

Should the audience of a movie about a killer elevator expect characterization of its killer elevator? No, we shouldn't. Okay, well, you might also be wondering if this movie has a good cast. Fucking hell yes. It definitely does. 

Naomi Watts

Edward Herrmann

Ron Perlman and Michael Ironside

But despite this wealth of talent and a story that was seemingly created using one of those MadLibs books, the film is not an exciting hodgepodge of majestic scene chewing paired with leaps in logic. Instead, it's just a dud. We have a stationary killer that is barely devising ways to kill people; instead, it's just murdering in the few mundane methods available to it - a sentient elevator. 

Ultimately, the only legitimate reasons to watch this movie are to see what roles great actors might be embarrassed by, out of curiosity about how an elevator could kill people in the most boring ways imaginable, or if you have some weird fetish for New York skylines that include the Twin Towers just prior to 9/11 (film released 5/2001).

Shark Side of the Moon (2022)

 

During the Cold War, the Soviets launch a race of bipedal sharks to the dark side of the moon. Years later, Americans are hoping to colonize the moon, so they send a group of scientists and astronauts. After a crash landing, the Americans find they're not alone in their fight against the deadly shark-creatures. 

With a title like Shark Side of the Moon, you can't blame them for going ahead and making the movie. But if you think you're in for an action-packed spectacle, you'll be surprised to learn this low-budget film is more "talking heads" than "PEW-PEW" actioner. 

Seeing The Asylum in the titles is your first clue about the kind of movie you're in for

What you'll find is a movie that spends a lot of time talking about its ideas in pseudo-scientific jargon while tossing ideas against the wall like so much cooked spaghetti. Sure, there are a few action pieces, but they'll mostly make you long for the green-screen technology and cinematography of 90s FMV videogames. 

Effects like this were excusable in Wing Commander 3

The actors do well enough with the material, but the sheer Scientific Bullshit Weight™ of some of the lines they're given would break even the greatest Star Trek actors. The effects team seems to have handed most of the work off to a random pair of construction workers who would rather be laying brick. And the directing certainly made this one of the many films that have been...directed. 

Seriously. I need to speak to whoever okayed the BRA on this shark creature.

Recommended for people who thought the Sharknado movies were made a bit *too* well, anyone who likes when characters explain the plot, and green-screen aficionados. Not recommended for those who enjoy plausible science in their movies or people who hope the scripts of the films they watch at least went through a second revision.

Shark Side of the Moon is available to watch for free on Tubi.

Shark's Treasure (1975)

 

After a man (John Neilson) finds shipwrecked gold at the bottom of the ocean, he recruits the help of an eccentric skipper (writer/director Cornel Wilde) to go back and find the whole shebang. They need two more divers for the job, so Yaphet Kotto and David Canary sign up for the adventuring. The only problem is the school of sharks guarding the treasure. 

Pesky sharks with their treasure-guarding habits.

The other problem the group will encounter on their journey is the group of five escaped prisoners. 

Rolling into the plot like...

The treasure hunting rules the first half of the film. And during that time you'll see a LOT of sharks killed on screen. This is 1975, so no CGI sharks to be found. If you're a shark advocate or shark lover of any sort, it's probably best to skip this one. 

And this isn't even the worst of it.

This first half is also where we get some brief attempts to Treasure of the Sierra Madre the plot as the main characters squabble gently over their greed. But it's in the second half, when the escapees show up where the tension jumps up slightly. These fellows have their own problems, including a sadistic leader who brutally beats a man who, the film heavily implies, is his romantic partner. 

After that beating, the remaining adventurers are joined by the beaten escapee and all do their best to get away from their captors to kick off the third act. 

Yep, I said "remaining." Who do you think will survive?

While not a great action film, the pace of the movie does keep things interesting as the treasure hunters are faced with challenge after challenge in their hopes of staying alive and becoming rich at the same time. The four leads have pretty good chemistry with Kotto and Wilde as the most interesting of the lot. 

Yaphet Kotto takes everything he's in up a notch.

The ending falls pretty flat, but I'm assuming no one's going into this film with the idea that it'll wrap up with a huge explosion or even a decent gunfight. Recommended for a lazy Sunday afternoon, or if you have some weird, unnatural hatred for sharks and want to watch more than a few of them die on-screen. Not recommended for people who dislike Yaphet Kotto, are expecting The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, or women in their movies (seriously, there's only one woman with a line in the entire thing).

Available for free on Tubi.