The Mighty Peking Man

(Editorial Note: In an effort to illustrate how easily the "message" of this film might just have been lost in translation, the author has written this review and then passed it through voice-recognition technology. The italicized sections that follow each paragraph are the "translations" of the written portions.)

Apparently, the Peking people are descendents of a giant man in the worst monkey suit you’ve ever had nightmares about. Fortunately, this prehistoric ancestor was a bit of a pedophile and sheltered a little blonde Caucasian girl. Now, I know what you’re thinking – a monkey, a pretty blonde white girl – that shit’s racist as hell! But no, you are wrong. This film was made in Hong Kong by the Shaw Brothers (who also made Super Inframan) and could not possibly have the same implications that it would have here in the States. On the other hand, the depiction of “uncivilized” natives may be a bit more evidence in your favor.

Apparently the theKing people are descendants of john Mann and worst abuse and you ever have nightmares about four to leave and restart ancestor was a bit of a cab file children one and her now I know you're thinking of Waukeen approval of like a role that shit's resistance help but know your own as far as main hall of a shawl brothers walls of medicine for Inframan and could not possibly have the same implications that it would have here in the states on the other and the depiction of uncivilized natives may be a bit more of that, but.

After the giant monkey man gets jealous because our explorer hero gets it on with the fully-grown Caucasian lady, they take the nappy giant to the public where he eventually commences with the epic destroying. What’s the lesson here? The rubber-suited monster friend of your blonde piece of ass is not your friend, despite what Sun Tzu might have said.

After the giant market and gets jealous because orcs border of its on with the fully-grown confidently that tape and that the joy of week were given treatment as part of that strike would solicit your of rubber-suited monster friend of your one piece of asp is not offer a spite what some some quite upset.

Alright, so full disclosure time, I actually fast-forwarded through a good 25 minutes of this film. Don’t worry though, I only skipped through some love story montage bullshit. Nope, I’m not kidding – 25% of this movie is some relationship crap. Seriously!?!?

Or I saw I've actually fast-forwarded to recruit 25 minutes of the stop don't worry though I'll escape her small story montage portrait note about getting 25 percent of this movie is of religion crap series.

Admittedly though, once the dude in the terrible monkey suit starts tearing shit up, he does a pretty great job of it. He even throws some dude down on the pavement then stomps on him to the horror of everyone watching (even mine because it looked so damn cheesy). They even have tiny tiny tanks to attempt to “kill the Peking Man by any means [they] can!”

Admittedly bill wants the dude interment will be soon start Eric show about it is a pretty great job of the universe undo down favorite then stops of enter the war of everyone watching you divide the cut it off so that choosing the unit at tiny tiny tanks to attempt to kill the Peking man by any means they can.

So in the end, what did we learn? Well, that even the makers of Super Inframan-goodness can create a mediocre film with a giant man in an ape suit. Also, don’t trust the military with the life of your monster cause they will blow that fucker away if given the chance (everyone knows that the military is to giant monsters as a snake is to its celtic tail). And finally, the horrific burning of the giant ape in this film was brought to you by Mobil – “Mobil: burning giant monsters since 1963.”

Sign him with a remark well but you know makers of super Inframan-goodness and created the new ore from the giant panda the needs of also don't trust the military would like for monster that we will allow the fucker away if given the chance. Everyone knows the military is to drive monsters as a snake is to itself detail. And finally the horrific burning of the giant even the store was brought to you via local mobile burn giant monster since 1963.

Gamera the Brave

Well I'm immediately interested because the first five minutes has a serious "Dragon Wars" feel to it. But then it quickly lulls into the age-old story of the hallucination prone son of a father-son duo finding an egg that hatches a turtle which grows to be a giant, rubber-suited monster. But this journey is certainly not a speedy one and you'll find yourself wanting to take a moment to clear out your internet-browser cookies in order to stay awake. You also should know that the Japanese title of the film was "Young Braves of Gamera". Because that should stink in your nose a little like this film quickly does. And it's set in 2006 so we know nothing too terrible happens.

Between getting up for more beer. Sizing up the fridge contents to see if there might be some puzzle-combination that renders me dinner. And getting up to double-check that there's no more beer, I gathered some nonsense about a medical operation, a levitating and mischievous baby turtle, and some sort of political intrigue about sinking ships. And then I went to make my dinner. And then I thought that I was finally witnessing the holy grail of kaiju (the consumption of a person by kaiju) but I was fooled. That's when it happened.

I heard the roar of a kaiju from the kitchen and ran out to see. There was actually a split second of cool kaiju moment. And then gone again.

So I finished cooking dinner and then turned off this piece of crap so that I could watch something good.

Lesson learned: If you find a weird egg - that thing is a kaiju.

Super Infra-Man

Let’s start our cocktail with a little bit of Ultraman. You know, the Japanese show where a dude turns into a superhero and grows large enough to battle giant monsters each episode. With this, you get inexplicably confounding dialog and a plotline that must have come in the acid dreams of a free-association writer. Then you add a little bit of Shaw Brothers (the kung-fu guys) for flavor, and you have Super Infra-man – the inventor of the “Power Rangers” style of fight choreography.

The “plot” of this film is that the Demon Princess is going to destroy the world by bringing up monsters from the center of the earth via a fancy transporter beam. In retaliation, the Chinese government (or rather, the “people of earth” from a Chinese perspective) injects a dude with some super-serum in order to turn him into a robotic “Infra-man” who is powered by a nuclear generator and looks like a cross between Optimus Prime, a bug, and Michael Jackson. Sweet, right!?!

This movie isn’t about plot though (I don’t see how it could be as it's near-jibberish), it is about action, and Super Infra-man definitely delivers a nuclear reactor’s worth of that. Once Infra-man (we’re tight, so I can call him that) is unleashed on an unsuspecting plant, he unravels an ass-kicking that would spell out “EPIC” in Braille if it were melted down and played backwards. From there, he goes on to battle a red spandex-clad Wild Thing, a vicious enlarging bug (where he finally gets the opportunity to set the standard for growing big and destroying a monster), an awesomely handlebar-mustached fire-breather and a drill-handed somethingorother, and the fantastic final battle with three dozen skeleton dudes, dumping a hot chick into lava and then...well, you should probably just see the video below.

But, is it good? You ask?

Before I answer, I want to digress into an insight.

You know, there really isn’t a better idea of “science” than there was in these types of films. It’s a little like what you imagined science was when you only knew a few vocabulary words and figured that flashing buttons were the evidence of the future. Scientists were the builders of things to come and they ran their experiments all rogue-like in laboratories which must have been funded by the phsycho-kenetic energy of any Westerner trying to discern the plot of a poorly translated Asian film. Those were the days when you could put a nuclear reactor in a man and not have to face “ethical” issues. It truly was the golden years of hypothetical progress.

So anyway. Yes, it’s good. It’s actually pretty damned awesome, as evidenced below.

Seriously, watch the whole thing. And don't worry if you can't understand the dialog - it wouldn't make much of a difference anyway.

(You can thank me later.)