Wolf Guy (1975)

There are certain things that cannot, no matter how great, live up to the expectations they bring upon themselves. Sometimes that's because of an errant description (see: Shock Waves). And other times, those expectations are high because of the elements present, and the high bar each part has set.

Case in point, Wolf Guy. It stars Sonny Chiba (from Street Fighter, The Executioner, and Kill Bill)! The movie was directed by the guy who also directed Sister Street Fighter! And it's about the last of a clan of werewolves who uses his special powers to solve crimes!

There's a lot to be hyped about in those pieces and parts.

And the film delivers! Not exactly fulfilling your wildest imagination, but it's absolutely a FANTASTIC mix of mashed-up weirdness, Sonny Chiba at the top of his game, funky music, and a plot that keeps things moving and interesting.

Throughout its running time, Wolf Guy is teeming with strange little moments that are both delightful and unbalanced.

From excessive spurting blood...

Taking out the bad guys with tossed coins...

Re-packaging spilled intestines with the power of moonlight and strength of will...

And a heavy dose of Sonny Chiba being generally badass...

Ultimately, Wolf Guy is more than the sum of its parts. It's that rare film that has nuanced, awesome weirdness in every single scene, in a twisting plot that makes hair-pin turns without hitting the brakes for a second, and a star with a gripping presence on-screen. Highly recommended for anyone interested in a wild, entertaining ride from start to finish.

Available from Arrow Video and Amazon and worth every penny you throw at it.

Ninja III: The Domination (1984)

Ninja III: The Domination is a movie with an identity crisis. This crisis plays out in front of you like a friend making a drunken scene in a public place. You're powerless to stop it, and everything you try to do that might mitigate its severity only escalates the intensity. So, you end up just sitting back and letting it play out, nodding solemnly as an hour-and-a-half passes.

I've already mentioned that I'm a fan of the 80's "ninja craze" so this film seemed like a natural fit. Even more so after I saw the craziness that was Golan-Globus in Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films. But I was not prepared for the insanity of a Ninja/Exorcist film, and I think that shows in my attempt to outline the setup.

The movie begins with all-out ninja action...on a golf course. All of the traditional ninjitsu arts are on display in this first 10 minute sequence, including:

"Golf-cart lifting"

"Gun blow-darting"

"Car roof-punching"

"Kicking a dude off his motorcycle, then putting him back on so that he can fall off again as it crashes" - Note: This gif was not edited.

After bombarding the audience with the kind of ninja craziness that could only come out of an 80's ninja flick, suddenly, things shift. We get a Flashdance-esque sequence of a beautiful Tele-Company Worker suiting up to climb a telephone pole and then spotting our ninja just before he dies. They struggle, she gets away, but then he yells, and inexplicably, she's like, "Sure, I'll hear you out (even though you're talking in Japanese) and absorb your memories from the sword you want to give to me."

"I've always wanted a bloody sword."

One of the weirdest aspects of this film (and that's saying something) is that the writer, the actors, or both seem to have never actually interacted with other human beings before.

For example, the main cop calls to ask the Tele-Company Worker out but she says she has an aerobics class; he shows up at her aerobics class (to unabashedly stalk her), yet she's not creeped out by this creeper. That's just the start, though.

A group of gym guys try to assault her outside of the gym, yet the cop does nothing to help.

After the fight, he "arrests" her (for fighting back, I guess?).Once they're in his car together, we get this exchange:

"You could get tried for assault for what you did to those guys."

"I don't need any help. Especially from you!"

"I am sick and tired of hearing about how you don't like cops. 'Cuz I'm going to tell you something "Miss Independence." I like being a cop. And if you don't wanna go out with me just because I'm a cop, then the hell with you, lady!"

"I don't have any coffee in my apartment, but I do have some V8 juice. Would you like to take me home?"

Cut to:

There is LITERALLY no scene between the car argument and this.

And that would be weird enough. But then this happens:

V8 product placement at its finest, I guess?

Immediately after their V8 sex-party, she gets possessed by the ninja sword.

Her possession sets up the latter half of the film where our Tele-Company Worker suits-up in ninja clothes and weapons to carry out some Death Wish-style vengeance against the cops who killed the previous ninja incarnation on the golf course.

This movie is one of the rare examples of the patchwork that bad movies can sometimes be made from. Bad acting, a plot derived from parts that don't work together, and a heavy reliance/confidence on action and the lead actress's sex-appeal all come together to create a very strange tapestry. Some bad movies have one or two of these, but seeing all in the same film is truly something else.

If you're looking to watch a movie that makes you question your own sanity and tests your ability to follow along, Ninja III: The Domination is probably just about right. You'll probably get some laughs out of it with the right audience, and you might feel closer to one another after. Kind of like war buddies.

Blood of Heroes AKA Salute of the Jugger (1989)

Have you ever wondered whether there'll be sports after the apocalypse? Do you worry atomic wars that mostly eradicate mankind might disrupt the football season?

Well, take heart, post-apocalyptic sports fans, because Rutger Hauer has come to answer your question with a resounding..."SPORTS WILL STILL SPORT AFTER SOCIETY CRUMBLES!"

Yes, Rutger Hauer (most notably of Blade Runner and Hobo with a Shotgun) plays in a competitive sport where five people work together to place a dog's skull on a spike to score. The timekeeper chucks stones at a metal plate until someone wins, or until 100 stones are tossed. There are two blockers. One guy swinging a chain. And the "quick" whose job is to grab the skull and place it on the spike.

"Touchdown"

It's not unlike football. For example, violence is encouraged, but the players generally have enough respect for one another to avoid gratuitous injury where possible. But, honestly, it's not exactly like football either, since most of them are wielding weapons of some sort.

Swinging a chain...swinging a chain.

So, first let's talk about the pieces, then we'll talk about the whole pie.

Rutger Hauer is the grizzled veteran of the sport. He's seen some shit, man. And he's got a vendetta to boot. Regardless of his motivation in this particular film, the man can do no wrong in my book. He is on the level of a Peter Cushing. No matter how bad the film, the script, or the directing, these are actors that elevate every single frame of the film they are in. They have a presence that is unparalleled.

Just like Peter Cushing can hold a screen presence doing this...

So too can Rutger Hauer wear a tire wrapped around his face and still look like a badass...

Number of people who can look cool wearing tires as a helmet? One.

And he can go one-eyed in the same movie and look twice as awesome.

The other big name here is Vincent D'Onofrio. This guy has been awesome as far back as Full Metal Jacket (1987). But more recently, he made Wilson Fisk (The Kingpin) something more than a one-note villain in the Netflix series, Daredevil (2015).

Two of the greats, just hanging out post-apocalypse

Those are the pieces. The big pie is a Mad Max version of Major League (which, coincidentally, came out the same year as the latter), with Rutger Hauer as the Tom Berenger veteran and Joan Chen playing the Charlie Sheen rookie part. It's any underdog sports story (Rocky, Bad News Bears, Karate Kid, Hoosiers), but it takes place after the apocalypse.

You can't just throw these things together and hope they work...

With that concept at its heart, this movie does a few magical things. First, it completely sells this sports and its structure so well that, by the end, you understand how the game works (there's even a training montage!) and what the stakes are. That's no small task for a throwaway late-80s movie. Secondly, it actually makes you care for these characters enough to root for them by the end.

It's a bit tough to find on DVD, but easy enough in the usual digital places. So, if you get the chance and the inkling, find this little-known gem. It's a strange mixture of a lot of cool things that work well together in this case.

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981)

Now that the world has actually ended, we get into the world that these films are most known for...the actual post-apocalypse. While the first film presented a psuedo-end-of-the-world with news broadcasts, green grass, night club singers, and general civilization, the sequel jumps straight into life after the nukes have blown.

Some have theorized that this is because the first film shows life during an energy crisis, where law and order organizations such as the police and lawyers are still grappling to maintain a hold on the last bastions of civil order even as society circles the drain. And then this film shows us how things have progressed after a nuclear war that resulted from that energy crisis.

My theory is much simpler. Now that "Max's World" has ended (when his family was killed), so has the actual world. The outer-world is a reflection of his inner-world. All those ideals of establishments and order mean nothing to the man whose family they couldn't save. Max has nothing left to live for, so he must find his own way. In existential terms, he is left to construct his own establishment from the rubble around him, according to his own set of rules. These rules will guide the anti-hero from this point forward...he, like so many noir heroes, is a bad man doing some good.

But this film is the beginning of Max feeling out those rules and figuring out what good deeds are worth doing, and how bad he can allow himself to be...

...or how "Mad"

The films begins by setting the stage on which everything will play out with stock footage mixed with some scenes from the first film. Basically, gasoline is rare after two superpowers have gone to war with one another. The film takes place in this aftermath...

Immediately after this establishing exposition, we get a face-full of awesome as Max wordlessly takes down some punk biker's dune-buggy friend.

This new Max has a dog, one half-sleeve, and a lot more grizzle than we last saw him with.

And now that the apocalypse has taken full-hold on the film, there's a need for a bit of levity. Thankfully, the dog has it.

Max stumbles on a gasoline refinery plant thanks to some dumb luck, and then must figure out how to get some of their gasoline, even as a group of thugs, led by Lord Humungus, attempts to do the same by force.

Pictured: Apocalyptic Karaoke

Simple. Straight-forward. Good guys and bad guys. With Mad Max somewhere in the middle of all of it.

There's inexplicable outfits.

With headbands!

And a feral child with a boomerang.

Because Australia, I guess?

Basically, Max is the master-less Yojimbo protecting a group of people like the Seven Samurai. But not out of the good of his heart. That's in there somewhere, deep down. But more importantly, he has a vested interest in helping them. In exchange, he gets fuel. Sure, literal gasoline for his car. But more importantly a goal, some connection to humanity that gives him a purpose other than making it another mile down the road.

If you haven't seen this film, you should. It's genre-defining, expertly directed, visual story-telling, post-apocalyptic goodness. There's a reason why, like Conan the Barbarian the following year, it had many imitators. This is peak Mad Max. And it goes downhill from here...

Mad Max (1979)

I'll be taking a look at the first in the Mad Max series in anticipation of next months bonkers-looking sequel, Mad Max: Fury Road, starring Tom Hardy as the title character. Parts 2 and 3 for the sequels coming soon...

Max Rockatansky (Yep.) began the existing trilogy as a member of the Main Force Patrol. Basically, they are the police in an apocalyptic wasteland.

Although, the apocalypse is pretty toned-down in this first film of the series. While there are clearly some bad people (the first call the MFP gets is for a cop killer and his moll), we also see a family with an RV trailer, a diner, a tow truck ready when the pursuit gets messy, a news broadcast, and a nightclub at one point. It's almost as if no one's really heard that the world has ended...or it hasn't ended completely.

Oh, and Max has a family. Specifically, a saxophone-playing wife and an infant...who plays with a gun?

She's soooo damn SAXY.

Clearly, Max and his wife are responsible parents.

Max's home life is idyllic, but the Halls of Justice are a crumbling heap of the former establishment.

Who put that Stop Sign there?

It doesn't take much work to figure out what to expect. After Max kills the cop killer and his moll (though he doesn't so much kill them as chase them into having an accident...so, not exactly the best police work, but still...foreshadowing!!), a motorcycle gang swears revenge on him. You know, like motorcycle gangs do.

After the apocalypse, psychopaths have really strong friendships with other psychopaths.

After a scene where the motorcycle gang gets to show us how mean they are, Max and his partner capture one of the gang, but the guy gets off on a legal technicality (the legal system still exists after the end of the world, also on its last legs). In retaliation for all this, the motorcycle gang burns Max's partner. And Max gets...you guessed "Mad" didn't you? Well, not yet. Instead, he gets...insomnia.

To cure this insomnia, Max quits the Main Force Patrol to live a safe life with his wife and baby. They take a vacation in a station wagon, buy a dog, and lay in wheat fields. The perfect post-apocalypse vacation for any lawman.

Dog-buying...

...station wagoning...

...and field-lying.

Then, the motorcycle gang kills Max's family and he gets...Mad (finally).

"Can I outrun these motorcycles?" Nope.

Mad Max steals the Pursuit Special car and pursues the motorcycle gang to (special) death.

Max was "driven" Mad...get it??

Overall, Mad Max is a barely-post-apocalyptic movie of the car-mageddon variety. It's a solid start to the series, but only hints at the potential to come. Like so many revenge films, it takes a while to get going. Max is given some scenes of motivation and characterization, but ultimately, if you've seen the others in the series, you're tapping your fingers waiting for the action to start. Things don't really get going until the last 15 minutes of the film. It's a significant film due to its place in Mel Gibson's career and as the precursor to many later Ozploitation films, but may not hold up to the expectations of a modern audience.

Psychomania (1971)

I haven't actually been watching this movie for the first ten minutes.  There's a certain point in the timeline of watching movies like this that you realize the first twenty minutes or so are pretty much just hanging on the front like a skin tag.  Nothing useful there.  And if you look it too closely, it'll hang with you when you try to look at the rest.  And then when you look away too.

Well, this film might be doing some ridiculous thing where it's trying to make sense and establish the undead biker gang, a magic mirror, a toad, and impetulent teens as a logical story, but I wouldn't think so.  I tuned back in mentally when some guy was looking through the mirror on the wall and seeing a frog.  And then watching as that frog morphs into...Alright, confession time.  We've known each other for a little bit now.  I feel like I can be honest with you.  To be truthful, I just re-wound (there's a word you don't see much anymore!  urwelcome) to re-assess and realized that I still don't know what the heck is happening in this film.  I mean, the frog turned into a kid running through a cemetery then into an infant and the dude watching just starts to go nuts.  Am I missing out on some social references here?  Is there some cypher I haven't yet cracked to put me in touch with this film?

And then we snap back to the undead biker gang.  Connection?  No thank you, say the filmmakers.  We'll stick with our avante-garde.  What's the viewer get out of it?  Kids on bikes being invincible and tearing shit up.  Again...urwelcome.

The basic message here?  If you believe you'll come back to life after killing yourself, you will.  Maybe not the most responsible thing to pass on to an impressionable emo-generation.  But whatever.  All in the name of entertainment.  Besides, it's British.  70's British.  What else can you say?

Just keep teenage bikers from actually wanting to actually die and everything will be okay.

Wait.  That's actually decent advice that makes some sense.

How did that happen?

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

If there ever was a fruit that would have justification for rebelling against humanity, it is certainly the psuedo-vegetable Tomato. And from the start, their revolt is captured in its full glory through a series of vignettes that coalesce into a fantastic poetry plucked from the ether of B-movie awesome. It's like Night of the Living Dead took a bath with Airplane! scented soap and then toweled off with The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.

Thing is, there's no discernable plot here. Well, except that the tomatoes are attacking. Outside of that, it's just a bunch of people in scenes reacting to the attacking. Honestly, the best part of any of these attacks is the gibberish that the tomatoes spew as their signature "noise" (the first thirty-seconds of the video below...be sure to turn up the sound).

It truly is a relief to be reassured that this movie doesn't even attempt to take itself seriously. You never know with Hollywood these days. They make a 2012 movie just a year shy of scientists figuring out they miscalculated the date (couple that with the idea that far too many Americans believe there's some insight to be gained from an ancient calendar when they largely don't inform themselves outside of their own point of view, and the combination is troubling).

Thankfully, this film has gotten me to thinking about the larger issues in life. I mean, have you prepared for a fruit attack!? Is your family safe from the harm that any number of savagely photosynthisizing and mobile plant-parts could inflict upon your simple existence?! These things have no conscience. They cannot distinguish between the blood of an innocent babe and water running from a kitchen tap! These most un-beastly of beasts are propagating the earth around us in order to extend their most un-claw-like of claws and ravage us from the planet. Something must be done, and done now!!!

America has led the charge in avoiding these vicious fuckers whose only aim is to spread their seeds to every viable corner of soil and take it as their own!! It's time for someone else to follow our lead. It's time for some international body to support our efforts in this as they basically ride our coattails in the name of an international governing body.

I'm looking at you, United Nations.

So, if someone in my family...or a friend's family...or someone who I hear about from someone I know...or an American that is reported on the news - even if he's from a different state and I've never met him...or a foreigner (but it really depends on what country they're from)...if ANY of these people are eviscerated by these rampaging garden resultants...well then, we have a serious problem. And I will continue to ignore that problem for as long as possible while simultaneously blaming any group of people or metaphysical idea that I'm able to point an accusing finger at.

Happy voting folks!

Laserblast

I first saw this movie ages ago while staying up later than I should have to watch USA Up All Night (most likely in the hope that some television censor-person was pissed off enough at his/her job that they knowingly left a small bit of T&A in the film). Those were the days.

In case you don't remember...either Gilbert Godfrey or Rhonda Shear would banter about how bad the film was and even show small snippets for ridicule. Laserblast is a representative example of the type of movies they would show.

It concerns a young man who has the misfortune of being surrounded by cops that get high on the job, some weird psychotic old guy, and a mother who takes every opportunity to get away from you to Acapolco. That combination is the worst part of it. What takes us as an audience into feeling full and complete sympathy for this character is that all of the people mentioned (and others) are willingly participating in a bad movie.

That wouldn't be so terrible, except that the lead actor seems to have convinced himself that he's a good actor in a good movie.

Seriously though, an alien leaves some type of rocket-arm-that-shoots-lasers on earth and this main character Luke Skywalker stand-in finds it. There are other aliens who want to find the thing and they hunt Stooge Lightwalkerdon down in a useless "teen party" scene. It's at this point in re-watching the film that I sorely miss the quippy insights of either Rhonda or even, sadly, Gilbert freakin' Godfry (a phrase I will never utter out loud). But here I am still sticking with it though. For you, dear reader. All for you.

"Watch as he immasculates himself! See the terrible crucifixtion of his dignity!! Watch as he assails his mind with the mostly heretofore hypothesized inanity!!!"

Anyhow, Bruce Bi-stalker seems to be a pretty good guy. Unfortunately, the rocket-arm-that-shoots-lasers kinda acts like the One-Ring and corrupts his soul so that he ends up going nutzo on some jerkhole's car and eventually the whole town (but mostly still focusing on the cars because the filmmakers must have gotten a discount at the junkyard - where they probably also found the script and post-production equipment). That brings the cops that get high on the job down on his back. From here the plot gets even more convoluted and, seriously, without any reason given in the film itself as to why I should care, I opt for the default: I don't give a shit...

They did blow a lot of shit up in this film though (of course, when the trailer ends with "It will blow your mind!" there's a certain contractual obligation). This raises the questions: how did a movie this bad spend 90% of its budget on blowing shit up? Why not put 5, or even $10 on the production value and the script? Actually, I'll answer those questions for you...because the only thing even way more better than entertaining your audience, is confusing the shit out of them with applesauce.

The Mighty Peking Man

(Editorial Note: In an effort to illustrate how easily the "message" of this film might just have been lost in translation, the author has written this review and then passed it through voice-recognition technology. The italicized sections that follow each paragraph are the "translations" of the written portions.)

Apparently, the Peking people are descendents of a giant man in the worst monkey suit you’ve ever had nightmares about. Fortunately, this prehistoric ancestor was a bit of a pedophile and sheltered a little blonde Caucasian girl. Now, I know what you’re thinking – a monkey, a pretty blonde white girl – that shit’s racist as hell! But no, you are wrong. This film was made in Hong Kong by the Shaw Brothers (who also made Super Inframan) and could not possibly have the same implications that it would have here in the States. On the other hand, the depiction of “uncivilized” natives may be a bit more evidence in your favor.

Apparently the theKing people are descendants of john Mann and worst abuse and you ever have nightmares about four to leave and restart ancestor was a bit of a cab file children one and her now I know you're thinking of Waukeen approval of like a role that shit's resistance help but know your own as far as main hall of a shawl brothers walls of medicine for Inframan and could not possibly have the same implications that it would have here in the states on the other and the depiction of uncivilized natives may be a bit more of that, but.

After the giant monkey man gets jealous because our explorer hero gets it on with the fully-grown Caucasian lady, they take the nappy giant to the public where he eventually commences with the epic destroying. What’s the lesson here? The rubber-suited monster friend of your blonde piece of ass is not your friend, despite what Sun Tzu might have said.

After the giant market and gets jealous because orcs border of its on with the fully-grown confidently that tape and that the joy of week were given treatment as part of that strike would solicit your of rubber-suited monster friend of your one piece of asp is not offer a spite what some some quite upset.

Alright, so full disclosure time, I actually fast-forwarded through a good 25 minutes of this film. Don’t worry though, I only skipped through some love story montage bullshit. Nope, I’m not kidding – 25% of this movie is some relationship crap. Seriously!?!?

Or I saw I've actually fast-forwarded to recruit 25 minutes of the stop don't worry though I'll escape her small story montage portrait note about getting 25 percent of this movie is of religion crap series.

Admittedly though, once the dude in the terrible monkey suit starts tearing shit up, he does a pretty great job of it. He even throws some dude down on the pavement then stomps on him to the horror of everyone watching (even mine because it looked so damn cheesy). They even have tiny tiny tanks to attempt to “kill the Peking Man by any means [they] can!”

Admittedly bill wants the dude interment will be soon start Eric show about it is a pretty great job of the universe undo down favorite then stops of enter the war of everyone watching you divide the cut it off so that choosing the unit at tiny tiny tanks to attempt to kill the Peking man by any means they can.

So in the end, what did we learn? Well, that even the makers of Super Inframan-goodness can create a mediocre film with a giant man in an ape suit. Also, don’t trust the military with the life of your monster cause they will blow that fucker away if given the chance (everyone knows that the military is to giant monsters as a snake is to its celtic tail). And finally, the horrific burning of the giant ape in this film was brought to you by Mobil – “Mobil: burning giant monsters since 1963.”

Sign him with a remark well but you know makers of super Inframan-goodness and created the new ore from the giant panda the needs of also don't trust the military would like for monster that we will allow the fucker away if given the chance. Everyone knows the military is to drive monsters as a snake is to itself detail. And finally the horrific burning of the giant even the store was brought to you via local mobile burn giant monster since 1963.