Atragon (1963)

In this 1963 film from Toho, Agents from an ancient underwater civilization are attempting to kidnap people in Japan. Two photographers catch a glimpse of one of the Agents and become wrapped up in a plot that involves an underwater battleship submarine and a missing Navy Captain.

When the movie opens, Sumusu and Yoshito are conducting a photoshoot by the sea, a steaming man crawls out of the water just before a kidnap victim is driven right by them and into that same ocean.

Camera flash is oddly effective.

The police are confounded by eyewitness reports of men who exude a high heat when touched, but pursuing the case, they find some corroboration. A strange reporter shows up the office of an ex-Navy Admiral asking about the development of an advanced submarine and a missing Captain Jinguji. At the same time, the two photographers are following a woman they believe to be so beautiful that she'll make the perfect model.

She turns out to be the daughter of the missing submarine Captain, now under the care of the ex-Navy Admiral. When a kidnapping attempt is made on the girl and the ex-Admiral, the photographers are able to thwart the plan, but the Agent escapes into the ocean. The advanced, ancient underwater civilization of Mu sends a filmed message threatening  destruction if construction on the submarine Atragon isn't stopped at once. Oh, and they also want to enslave the people of earth.

The Mu Empire spends most of their time bowing, so they need slaves to do the real work.

Luckily, the missing Captain Jinguji has been hard at work on the advanced submarine Atragon. Not so luckily, he's still got his mind on WWII and refuses to use the sub for any purpose that doesn't include WWII-ish stuff. Also, when a group goes to speak with him, they brought along that strange reporter, who just happens to be a spy for the Mu Empire.

That beard really should have tipped them off.

While most Toho films of the era pitted two giant monsters against one another, this one is more about the war between the people of earth, the Mu Empire, and one Japanese captain's inability to let go of the past.

"You call patriotism nonsense?" - Captain

"Take a global point of view!" - Ex-Admiral
Sadly, the dialogue is still relevant.

As with other Toho films of the era, this one includes an interesting take on dress and culture of the underwater (or alien) civilization.

There's also some great special effects, as you'd expect from Eiji Tsuburaya.

There's even some brutal freeze-gunning when the people of earth finally fight back against the Mu Empire.

As long as you don't sit down expecting this film to be a Godzilla clone, you'll enjoy yourself. There's some really cool submarine action on display, but not much in the way of kaiju.

Poor Manda is on display here, but he doesn't get much screen time and doesn't even make it onto land.

Atragon - the kaiju that menaces at you through an underwater window

As long as you know what you're sitting down to watch, there's some great stuff to enjoy in this film. You get the haphazard plot of a 60s Toho kaiju film that's light on the kaiju. Instead, the special effects are poured into underwater submarine battles, and plenty of miniature destruction that will feed the same needs as other Ishiro Honda films. Recommended for Godzilla fans, 60s Japanese sci-fi fans, and anyone in your life who might be Mothra's #1 fan.

Mutant Hunt (1987)

The film opens with a mixture of New Wave style and mustache twirling evil. Not a bad start as the villain enacts his plan to give drugs to cyborgs that make them kill for pleasure. One of the scientists who learns about the scheme escapes with evidence. Her first thought is to find someone who can help. Enter: Jock Tightstring! Eeerrr. *reads notes* I mean, Matt Riker!

Tighty-white fighting is a great intro to our hero

Turns out, this movie's cyborgs can do whatever weird thing the script, plot, or imagination demands. So. without any precursor, we get Stretch Armstrong Cyborg.

 Quickly followed by cyborg death by face-electrocution.

After this action scene, there's five straight minutes of some of the most baffling world-building exposition. In it, we get these gems (actual lines from the segment):

And moments later...

And that's just a peek at the movie's first act. Throughout, the acting is wooden, the fight choreography lumbers, the soundtrack repeats hilariously, and the writing is patched together with chewing gum and chicken wire. This is a special kind of B-Movie.

Highly recommended to anyone who loves really good trash cinema.

(Like Eliminators and Badlanders, you can frequently find this film showing on Comet TV)

Eliminators (1986)

Two scientists create a time machine and test it out on a Mandroid (part man, part android...all grandson of a tobacco tycoon RJ Reynolds). When their machine proves to be a success, the murderous scientist has no more use for the Mandroid. The other scientist is friends with the cyborg and refuses to dismantle him. When the scientist is killed for his act of defiance, the Mandroid escapes.

Legs? Where we're going, I won't need legs.

He finds a friend of the now-dead scientist buddy who is working on a little scouting robot that can turn into light and bounce around.

Yes, the scientist is Tasha Yar.

And this little ball of light is far less annoying than you would probably guess.

They find an Indiana Jones knock-off who will guide them through the swamps of South America to find the murderous scientist.

Clearly, he's far too manly for sleeves.

Then, they run across a Ninja in the jungles along the way (like you do).

South America: Come for the cocaine and cartels...stay for the Ninja!

After this merry band of 80s tropes has been gathered, the only thing left to do is defeat the murderous scientist who plans to travel back in time and rule the Roman Empire.

Obviously, he plans to rely on his superior technology, NOT his situational awareness.

Along with the hilariously strange awesomeness of teaming up Tasha Yar, her robot Orco, a cyborg who sometimes rides around with a tank as his legs, an Indiana Jones knock-off adventurer, and a Ninja, this film does a pretty damn good job of keeping things moving. Don't get me wrong, the plot is basically nothing but an excuse to get this group together to team up against this guy:

But there are definitely worse plots. And for an 80s B-movie, this one keeps things rolling.

Rolling. See what I did there?

Recommended for those who enjoy a cheesy 80s sci-fi flick. Not nearly groan-worthy enough to be outright hilarious, but a good representative of the species.

Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987)

"In the latter days of the 20th Century, there arose a difference of opinion. The leading experts of the time believed a nuclear war would only involve the exchange of a few bombs. And then the suitably horrified combatants would sit down at the peace table. They were wrong. In just 10 days, 10,000 years of human progress was virtually blown to dust. 10 years later, they tried again."

And so begins, the best Roddy Piper movie short of They Live. And in the first five seconds of the film, someone busts a bottle over his head and threatens to cut off his balls with the jagged glass. Turns out, Sam Hell (Piper's clever name in the film) is saved by his sperm. You see, Sam Hell is one of the few remaining non-sterile men in the world. So the People-In-Charge immediately decide to put a bomb on his crotch and make him a freedom fighter.

Makes sense?

Our Sam Hell is placed on Official Impregnating Duty and trekked out to hostile mutant territory where some fertile ladies have been kidnapped by....well, frog men. Frog men living in Frogtown. It sells itself, really.

This "Sam Sperm" character travels (to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic") to Frogtown, a place where real men drink pints of industrial waste and a mush made from ground-up lizards. Because...frog men.

Frog Men!

It's like a Pollock pastiche. A little bit of Han Solo mixed with Planet of the Apes swirled into Deathsport. The movie comes together like those squirts of paint splashed on a Rowdy Roddy Piper canvas that is mostly shirtless and living in a Road Warrior world. This isn't Mad Max though. Instead it's Mad Max through the lens of Rhonda Shear's USA Up All Night.

Coincidentally, where I saw this movie for the first time.

So, it's a post-apocalyptic T/A movie. Plenty of those out there. But it's a T/A movie that knows exactly what it is. No one writing this film ever thought they were making anything other than a B-movie. The self-awareness is the only thing that makes it watchable.

Take the "dance of the three snakes" sequence for example:

That's probably the best way to sum up how ridiculously this movie focuses everything on sex. A girl's attempt to seduce a frog man. Not all of it works. But Roddy Piper seems to be having a good time at least.

The "resolution" of this film is that Rowdy Roddy Piper becomes the prostitute for his lady-pimp. I'm fairly certain the filmmakers worked backwards from there.

This one might be worth it late on a Tuesday when you're reminiscing about how fun late night movies used to be back when there was such a thing. Unfortunately, unless you've had a few to drink and you enjoy making fun of the movie as you go along, you'll remember that they were a bit silly and boring too.

Badlanders (1992) AKA Prison Planet

You know, the future gets away with a lot of shit. It's like the town psycho-kid, running around pulling the ears off bunnies and tacking them to your front door with a message scrawled in his poop about how he lost his grandmother's hair in your backyard. Everyone gives that kid, and the future-setting in books and movies, a wide-berth and mostly takes whatever it or he says or does as a product of its nature without question.

The future on other planets is even worse. It's like that psycho-kid's mom is some Whole Foods nut-job that only brings Paleo-Diet dishes to the Chicken Pox Party.

"Exactly what cave people ate...except for the cookware and the oven I cooked it in."

Meaning, it's one thing to be the kid spouting out nonsense and doing things that confuse and gross everyone out. But it's something else entirely to have the kid and his mom attend the first BBQ of the summer.

The same can be said for off-world, futuristic movies like Badlanders. The opener does that thing where a scrolling few paragraphs explains where we are and the situation we can expect as viewers. Short version? It's another world...in the future, bad things happen and there's an overthrown king. Or something. Doubtful you need more information than is provided in the title picture (top).

There's oppression.

We're escaping, or else I drop this thing! (Spoiler: he doesn't drop it)

There's some type of "wasteland." (Maybe it's the...Badlands. eh? eh?)

Scorched-earth places are SUPER popular in future movies...and doubly-so for space future movies. Apparently, so are cars?

There's swords.

Silly how swords are futuristic and historic and alien all at the same time.

And guns.

But not lazer* guns since bullets are just sound effects and don't require a VFX budget. (*90s spelling of laser intentional)

Leather vests and bare chests, but for some reason one guy is wearing a tie and a fedora.

And another guy sports a Spanish Conquistador hat.

Why not?

The movie wants to be Conan the Barbarian spiced up with some Mad Max with a hefty dose of Hell Comes to Frogtown as the main meat. But really, it's just boring. Boring like listening to someone relate the plot of this movie (of which I'll spare you since neither of us care). Although, that's not much of an analogy since it's the plot that makes this movie boring...

If the plot is what makes the movie boring, and relating the plot would be twice as boring. This.

Rather, it's mind-numbing...like reading about how cardboard is made while French-kissing sandpaper, or listening to someone tell you about the dream they had last night.

...and both my hands were sharks!!

It takes so much effort to maintain your attention to what's happening, let alone put it into some line of a plot. I mean, when one event only follows from the previous because they both played on your television screen, it's really tough to torture yourself into connecting the series of occurrences that happen.


And back we come to the analogy of the neighborhood psycho-kid and his mom. He might light fires in your backyard. His mom might send him over with a pitcher of cucumber water to apologize. He might even wear clown make-up while jumping rope on the hood of your car as his mother applauds.

Don't look him in the eyes!

But you don't try to put all of these things together in any rational way! That would be completely fruitless, as is watching this movie for any sort of entertainment.

Badlanders is available on Netflix...if you're into that sort of thing.