Manborg (2011)

With movies like Kung Fury, Turbo Kid, Wolf Cop, video games like Far Cry 3: Dragon Blood, and (most recently, as of writing) the Netflix series Stranger Things, there seems to be a revival of sorts for 80s nostalgia lately. I cannot tell you how much I love it. Especially when it's done right.

While Manborg gets a few things right, by absolutely nailing the tone, it misses the mark a bit with a story that's fueled by cliche and cultural references.

Good stuff!

But it can be overwhelming without the story to compensate.

The movie opens with a scene between two brothers in what is essentially Alternative World War Something (against the Machines). One brother is killed by the big bad guy. The other is saved and turned into Manborg. You might find some similarities between Manborg and the Mandroid (as seen in Eliminators)...that wasn't unintentional.

The references to other 80s source material don't stop there. The film includes a plethora of other wink-wink nods...like the martial artist "Number One Man" (a reference to Sonny Chiba's Street Fighter), stealing the basic story-line from Mega Man, and the anime-like knife throw seen above.

And that's the problem.

While it's interesting to toss retro-references at your audience at the approximate rate of six-per-scene, the story still has to be interesting enough to hold their attention. If this movie had, perhaps, avoided going (close to) full feature-length (like Kung Fury did, to great benefit), it might not have collapsed under its own weight.

There's some decent stop-motion, at least. Don't see enough of that these days.

Recommended only if watching with people who fondly remember this stuff and can jump in with commentary when you all get bored.

Mutant Hunt (1987)

The film opens with a mixture of New Wave style and mustache twirling evil. Not a bad start as the villain enacts his plan to give drugs to cyborgs that make them kill for pleasure. One of the scientists who learns about the scheme escapes with evidence. Her first thought is to find someone who can help. Enter: Jock Tightstring! Eeerrr. *reads notes* I mean, Matt Riker!

Tighty-white fighting is a great intro to our hero

Turns out, this movie's cyborgs can do whatever weird thing the script, plot, or imagination demands. So. without any precursor, we get Stretch Armstrong Cyborg.

 Quickly followed by cyborg death by face-electrocution.

After this action scene, there's five straight minutes of some of the most baffling world-building exposition. In it, we get these gems (actual lines from the segment):

And moments later...

And that's just a peek at the movie's first act. Throughout, the acting is wooden, the fight choreography lumbers, the soundtrack repeats hilariously, and the writing is patched together with chewing gum and chicken wire. This is a special kind of B-Movie.

Highly recommended to anyone who loves really good trash cinema.

(Like Eliminators and Badlanders, you can frequently find this film showing on Comet TV)

Zombie Doom (1999)

Three adrift sailors land on an island. Unfortunately, that island is home to a clan of murderous murdering murderers who have trash-can lids as shields and wear metal masks.

The leader of the clan employs a doctor to raise an army of the dead because...um...they needed to fulfill the criteria for putting the word "zombie" in the title, I guess? Anyway, my head hurts from trying to make sense of the first 15 minutes of this movie while being distracted by interludes of gore.

Let's face it, no one is here for the story.

Anyway, a former member of the murderous clan is allowed to attempt escape, along with the sailor guys, for the thrill of the hunt. A chase ensues that includes a lot a gore, a handful of zombies (again, just to fulfill the promise of the title), a couple of ninja, and a completely dubbed film which also features a guy who wears a small square of felt as a mustache unironically.

You've got to admire their commitment to not giving a shit.

There are so many things tossed together on-screen that you'd think one of them would be a plot. But this movie isn't about that trivial aspect of movie-making. Nor anything resembling "production value." Instead, the only value in this production was poured into gore, fake blood, practical gore effects, and everything that's not storytelling, visual acuity, or character development.

The last thing to go through his head is obvious. But tell me what he was thinking in that moment.

It's like somebody gave a 14 year-old, Lucio Fulci-inspired kid an over the shoulder camcorder (yet a ton of money for gore special effects) and said, "Make a movie!" If there was a script, it must've been written in crayon as suggestions for the actors. But more likely, the director just shot a bunch of scenes and then dubbed together a story later through some patchwork editing and a shrug of the shoulders.

"I want a ninja split in half in mid-air. I don't care how we get to that point." - the director, probably

While this movie keeps things interesting throughout its short run-time (78 minutes) with plenty of gore and terrible dubbing, it's not quite strange enough to be funny nor entertaining enough to completely overcome its poor production value.

Recommended for fans of gore and those who study completely absent plotting.

Neon Maniacs (1986)

"When the world is ruled by violence,

And the soul of mankind fades,

the children's path shall be darkened

by the shadows of the Neon Maniacs."

Does that intro voice-over make any sense to you? Good, then it sets up this movie perfectly.

The first few moments establish that there are killers living under the San Francisco Bridge that murder. Oh, they also have trading cards for some reason...

Don't worry, these are never explained nor seen again after this point in the movie.

Each member of this group of murdering killers has his own theme/preferred murdering method. It's kind of like someone said, "That Village People thing was pretty cool. Let's mix that with a bunch of deadly killing murderers who all dress in costume. But they're not 'People' so we'll call them 'Maniacs.' And everyone is going wild about neon because it's 1986, so we'll toss that word in too."

Neon blood, because...well, the word is in the title so...

So, after their random killing of the fisherman (to establish that they are, in fact, murdering killers) the Neon Maniacs venture out to do some good old-fashioned murdering of teenagers. Unfortunately, one of their would-be victims doesn't get murder-killed. She gives a statement to the police and then goes back to high school, where no one believes her story.

EXCEPT...for one plucky, young pseudo-Punky Brewster type who is really into horror films.

So plucky, her hat couldn't possibly stay on straight.

Plucky Brewster decides to investigate on her own and (accidentally) discovers that the monsters have a weakness. As she's doing some digging, one of them trips into a water puddle right in front of her. That's right, these creatures have their own garlic/silver bullet. And it is...WATER!

Yes. These scary slashing-hackers disintegrate when they come into contact with the most common substance on earth. You could literally defeat them with a spray bottle.

Or a water gun...

...water bucket...

...shower combo.

It's clear that this movie doesn't care about logic. It's got a central conceit that no one thought through (i.e. Does the fog they're walking through also harm these monsters?). The film pours everything into the idea of 12 themed killers, but dries up otherwise. There's no gory deaths to wash over the viewer, and barely more than a spritzing of story. Recommended only for 80s horror buffs.

Ninja III: The Domination (1984)

Ninja III: The Domination is a movie with an identity crisis. This crisis plays out in front of you like a friend making a drunken scene in a public place. You're powerless to stop it, and everything you try to do that might mitigate its severity only escalates the intensity. So, you end up just sitting back and letting it play out, nodding solemnly as an hour-and-a-half passes.

I've already mentioned that I'm a fan of the 80's "ninja craze" so this film seemed like a natural fit. Even more so after I saw the craziness that was Golan-Globus in Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films. But I was not prepared for the insanity of a Ninja/Exorcist film, and I think that shows in my attempt to outline the setup.

The movie begins with all-out ninja action...on a golf course. All of the traditional ninjitsu arts are on display in this first 10 minute sequence, including:

"Golf-cart lifting"

"Gun blow-darting"

"Car roof-punching"

"Kicking a dude off his motorcycle, then putting him back on so that he can fall off again as it crashes" - Note: This gif was not edited.

After bombarding the audience with the kind of ninja craziness that could only come out of an 80's ninja flick, suddenly, things shift. We get a Flashdance-esque sequence of a beautiful Tele-Company Worker suiting up to climb a telephone pole and then spotting our ninja just before he dies. They struggle, she gets away, but then he yells, and inexplicably, she's like, "Sure, I'll hear you out (even though you're talking in Japanese) and absorb your memories from the sword you want to give to me."

"I've always wanted a bloody sword."

One of the weirdest aspects of this film (and that's saying something) is that the writer, the actors, or both seem to have never actually interacted with other human beings before.

For example, the main cop calls to ask the Tele-Company Worker out but she says she has an aerobics class; he shows up at her aerobics class (to unabashedly stalk her), yet she's not creeped out by this creeper. That's just the start, though.

A group of gym guys try to assault her outside of the gym, yet the cop does nothing to help.

After the fight, he "arrests" her (for fighting back, I guess?).Once they're in his car together, we get this exchange:

"You could get tried for assault for what you did to those guys."

"I don't need any help. Especially from you!"

"I am sick and tired of hearing about how you don't like cops. 'Cuz I'm going to tell you something "Miss Independence." I like being a cop. And if you don't wanna go out with me just because I'm a cop, then the hell with you, lady!"

"I don't have any coffee in my apartment, but I do have some V8 juice. Would you like to take me home?"

Cut to:

There is LITERALLY no scene between the car argument and this.

And that would be weird enough. But then this happens:

V8 product placement at its finest, I guess?

Immediately after their V8 sex-party, she gets possessed by the ninja sword.

Her possession sets up the latter half of the film where our Tele-Company Worker suits-up in ninja clothes and weapons to carry out some Death Wish-style vengeance against the cops who killed the previous ninja incarnation on the golf course.

This movie is one of the rare examples of the patchwork that bad movies can sometimes be made from. Bad acting, a plot derived from parts that don't work together, and a heavy reliance/confidence on action and the lead actress's sex-appeal all come together to create a very strange tapestry. Some bad movies have one or two of these, but seeing all in the same film is truly something else.

If you're looking to watch a movie that makes you question your own sanity and tests your ability to follow along, Ninja III: The Domination is probably just about right. You'll probably get some laughs out of it with the right audience, and you might feel closer to one another after. Kind of like war buddies.

Eliminators (1986)

Two scientists create a time machine and test it out on a Mandroid (part man, part android...all grandson of a tobacco tycoon RJ Reynolds). When their machine proves to be a success, the murderous scientist has no more use for the Mandroid. The other scientist is friends with the cyborg and refuses to dismantle him. When the scientist is killed for his act of defiance, the Mandroid escapes.

Legs? Where we're going, I won't need legs.

He finds a friend of the now-dead scientist buddy who is working on a little scouting robot that can turn into light and bounce around.

Yes, the scientist is Tasha Yar.

And this little ball of light is far less annoying than you would probably guess.

They find an Indiana Jones knock-off who will guide them through the swamps of South America to find the murderous scientist.

Clearly, he's far too manly for sleeves.

Then, they run across a Ninja in the jungles along the way (like you do).

South America: Come for the cocaine and cartels...stay for the Ninja!

After this merry band of 80s tropes has been gathered, the only thing left to do is defeat the murderous scientist who plans to travel back in time and rule the Roman Empire.

Obviously, he plans to rely on his superior technology, NOT his situational awareness.

Along with the hilariously strange awesomeness of teaming up Tasha Yar, her robot Orco, a cyborg who sometimes rides around with a tank as his legs, an Indiana Jones knock-off adventurer, and a Ninja, this film does a pretty damn good job of keeping things moving. Don't get me wrong, the plot is basically nothing but an excuse to get this group together to team up against this guy:

But there are definitely worse plots. And for an 80s B-movie, this one keeps things rolling.

Rolling. See what I did there?

Recommended for those who enjoy a cheesy 80s sci-fi flick. Not nearly groan-worthy enough to be outright hilarious, but a good representative of the species.