King Kong Escapes (1967)

I'm sure you've heard of King Kong. The classic film (1933) was a milestone of cinematic history.

According to Eli Cross, he was only 3 ft tall

If you were the makers of this film and you had that kind of cinematic connection, why in the world would you burn that bridge in the first five minutes of your film?

See, the characters in this movie know that Kong is a giant monkey (he's really an ape, but I doubt you came here to pay pedantic attention to taxonomy). But no one even mentions that the giant gorilla they're discussing is just like the one that climbed the Empire State Building and fell to it's death.

With headlines like that, how could anyone NOT know?

Instead, they all treat Kong like a Chupacabra. He's a half-heard myth that no one's ever confirmed, but apparently one that warrants scientific research and an expedition.

Apparently, scientists are big on studying illustrations of mythical creatures

Luckily, no one is constructing a robotic mock-up of the Chupacabra in order to make it dig for Element X from rocks underneath the North Pole. That's what the bad guys in this movie are doing.

But with Kong instead of the Chupacabra.

Step 1 - Illustration

Step 2 - Blueprint alignment

Step 3 - Mecha-Kong

Like most Japanese Giant Monster Movies, the plot of this film has a peculiar logic all its own. If you've never seen one, King Kong Escapes is fairly representative of the loosely threaded narrative that holds together all manner of nonsense.  I'll do my best to walk you through it...

The bad guys are after a variation of Unobtanium (Element X) with their Mecha-Kong. The good guys, on the other hand, are just doing some science. They've commissioned a submarine to bring them to a tropical island in the hopes of finding their Chupacabra oil.

Sadly, not a Redshirt among them

Luckily, they bring along a doctor blonde bombshell who can use her brain to help solve the problem falls into peril and must be saved by the slumbering Kong.

And by "slumbering" I mean "probably stoned"

Of course, the Kong falls for her and a huge battle to save her from dangerous stuff ensues for the rest of the movie.

"I wrestled a snake for your love" could totally be a Johnny Cash song

When the Mecha-Kong eventually breaks down during his digging, the bad guys figure maybe the original would be better at mining.

It makes perfect sense when you think about it. I mean, what else could they possibly do in that situation.

A little known trait of the giant ape is its ability to dig

And of course, they make the Mighty Kong obey their bidding with a bit of disco ball hypnotism...

By the time the good guys are captured and brought to the evil lair, the bad guys have hypnotized and voice-activated Kong into digging for them. That plan doesn't last though. So, the three good guys are imprisoned in order to make them manipulate Kong into more digging.

I'm not sure what that is by her feet, but you probably shouldn't step in it

Turns out, the bad guys need the Energon because it's powerful enough to help them take over the world (yep, that's as specific as it gets), but the lady-bad-guy has a change of heart because one of the good guys is sexy enough to convince her she's doing evil.

Who could resist?

Once Kong escapes to Tokyo, the only way to get some little fake buildings to crumble in this movie is to send Mecha-Kong after him.  And the Final Showdown is set...

Epic.

Meanwhile, the good guys make a daring escape under fire.

Is he firing a road flare?

They swim their way back to Tokyo.  Finally, Kong has to save the blonde from Mecha-Kong one last time and then he conveniently swims home in order to close out this batshit crazy plot.

At least they left out the question mark

Lesson learned: When given the option, always opt for Chileans over hypnotizing King Kong to do your mining for you.  (what? too soon?)