Deathstalker (1983)

Deathstalker is a Roger Corman Barbarian film that followed in the awe-inspired wake of the Schwarzenegger Conan films. This wasn't a rare thing at the time. Especially in Italy for some reason. Much like they did with the western, the Italians churned out a boat-load of knock-offs.

But this film, is Pure America. How can I say this? Well, there are 10 quantifiably separate boob-shots in this movie. That's right. In the name of online journalism, I counted them (and even took a screenshot of each to mosaic them all together for you).

The hero of this film is a would-be rapist (though, technically she didn't say "no," she didn't say "yes" either) recruited by a once-king who's been thrown out of his own castle by his former magician.

Our Hero

Oh, and to make sure you know the evil magician is evil, there's this scene where he feeds some kid's eyeball to his muppet.

A balanced diet for any muppet

But seriously, no one's watching this movie for the plot. It's all about the boobs and the sword-slashery. Mr. Corman gets the sword stuff out of the way early by having our hero go to the Yoda-cave where he fights a giant troll and wields his light-saber of justice.

You thought I was kidding?

With his magic sword in-hand, the hero recruits his own band of miscreants to the quest he has only-kinda-sorta taken up. One such mal-content is the Yoda-guy who turns into an old sage once he's exposed to light. Another is a sword fighter with the fashion sense of an 80's teenage girl.

This doesn't seem like it would be very effective armor

The final member of the guild is a topless she-warrior. Because, remember, boobs and swords. Why not put them together?

I'm not complaining, but this also doesn't seem like very effective "armor"

At some point, Mr. Corman decided there wasn't quite enough sword-slashing boobery and figured he'd transform one of the magician's henchmen into a woman to get just a smidgen extra. If the following scene weren't odd enough, keep in mind while you're watching it that our hero ends up half-penetrating this guy before he turns back to his henchman-form.

Out of nowhere, there's a tournament where everyone fights to be heir to the magician's throne. But really the magician plans on killing the winner so that all the most powerful warriors of the land are dead and he can rule unopposed. (Again, we're not here for the plot) At the end of the tournament, Bruce Lee, er, I mean the Deathstalker-hero-rapist is the victor. Even over his little fashion-buddy (but only after some homo-erotic Fight Clubbing....on the bed).

Then it's just a matter of killing the magician and taking the trophy-princess. (But first, we need another Star Wars derivative)

After having time to play with both boobs and his magic sword, our hero rightfully chooses boobs. Just like any true American Barbarian would.