Zombie Doom (1999)

Three adrift sailors land on an island. Unfortunately, that island is home to a clan of murderous murdering murderers who have trash-can lids as shields and wear metal masks.

The leader of the clan employs a doctor to raise an army of the dead because...um...they needed to fulfill the criteria for putting the word "zombie" in the title, I guess? Anyway, my head hurts from trying to make sense of the first 15 minutes of this movie while being distracted by interludes of gore.

Let's face it, no one is here for the story.

Anyway, a former member of the murderous clan is allowed to attempt escape, along with the sailor guys, for the thrill of the hunt. A chase ensues that includes a lot a gore, a handful of zombies (again, just to fulfill the promise of the title), a couple of ninja, and a completely dubbed film which also features a guy who wears a small square of felt as a mustache unironically.

You've got to admire their commitment to not giving a shit.

There are so many things tossed together on-screen that you'd think one of them would be a plot. But this movie isn't about that trivial aspect of movie-making. Nor anything resembling "production value." Instead, the only value in this production was poured into gore, fake blood, practical gore effects, and everything that's not storytelling, visual acuity, or character development.

The last thing to go through his head is obvious. But tell me what he was thinking in that moment.

It's like somebody gave a 14 year-old, Lucio Fulci-inspired kid an over the shoulder camcorder (yet a ton of money for gore special effects) and said, "Make a movie!" If there was a script, it must've been written in crayon as suggestions for the actors. But more likely, the director just shot a bunch of scenes and then dubbed together a story later through some patchwork editing and a shrug of the shoulders.

"I want a ninja split in half in mid-air. I don't care how we get to that point." - the director, probably

While this movie keeps things interesting throughout its short run-time (78 minutes) with plenty of gore and terrible dubbing, it's not quite strange enough to be funny nor entertaining enough to completely overcome its poor production value.

Recommended for fans of gore and those who study completely absent plotting.

Psychomania (1971)

I haven't actually been watching this movie for the first ten minutes.  There's a certain point in the timeline of watching movies like this that you realize the first twenty minutes or so are pretty much just hanging on the front like a skin tag.  Nothing useful there.  And if you look it too closely, it'll hang with you when you try to look at the rest.  And then when you look away too.

Well, this film might be doing some ridiculous thing where it's trying to make sense and establish the undead biker gang, a magic mirror, a toad, and impetulent teens as a logical story, but I wouldn't think so.  I tuned back in mentally when some guy was looking through the mirror on the wall and seeing a frog.  And then watching as that frog morphs into...Alright, confession time.  We've known each other for a little bit now.  I feel like I can be honest with you.  To be truthful, I just re-wound (there's a word you don't see much anymore!  urwelcome) to re-assess and realized that I still don't know what the heck is happening in this film.  I mean, the frog turned into a kid running through a cemetery then into an infant and the dude watching just starts to go nuts.  Am I missing out on some social references here?  Is there some cypher I haven't yet cracked to put me in touch with this film?

And then we snap back to the undead biker gang.  Connection?  No thank you, say the filmmakers.  We'll stick with our avante-garde.  What's the viewer get out of it?  Kids on bikes being invincible and tearing shit up.  Again...urwelcome.

The basic message here?  If you believe you'll come back to life after killing yourself, you will.  Maybe not the most responsible thing to pass on to an impressionable emo-generation.  But whatever.  All in the name of entertainment.  Besides, it's British.  70's British.  What else can you say?

Just keep teenage bikers from actually wanting to actually die and everything will be okay.

Wait.  That's actually decent advice that makes some sense.

How did that happen?