Laserblast

I first saw this movie ages ago while staying up later than I should have to watch USA Up All Night (most likely in the hope that some television censor-person was pissed off enough at his/her job that they knowingly left a small bit of T&A in the film). Those were the days.

In case you don't remember...either Gilbert Godfrey or Rhonda Shear would banter about how bad the film was and even show small snippets for ridicule. Laserblast is a representative example of the type of movies they would show.

It concerns a young man who has the misfortune of being surrounded by cops that get high on the job, some weird psychotic old guy, and a mother who takes every opportunity to get away from you to Acapolco. That combination is the worst part of it. What takes us as an audience into feeling full and complete sympathy for this character is that all of the people mentioned (and others) are willingly participating in a bad movie.

That wouldn't be so terrible, except that the lead actor seems to have convinced himself that he's a good actor in a good movie.

Seriously though, an alien leaves some type of rocket-arm-that-shoots-lasers on earth and this main character Luke Skywalker stand-in finds it. There are other aliens who want to find the thing and they hunt Stooge Lightwalkerdon down in a useless "teen party" scene. It's at this point in re-watching the film that I sorely miss the quippy insights of either Rhonda or even, sadly, Gilbert freakin' Godfry (a phrase I will never utter out loud). But here I am still sticking with it though. For you, dear reader. All for you.

"Watch as he immasculates himself! See the terrible crucifixtion of his dignity!! Watch as he assails his mind with the mostly heretofore hypothesized inanity!!!"

Anyhow, Bruce Bi-stalker seems to be a pretty good guy. Unfortunately, the rocket-arm-that-shoots-lasers kinda acts like the One-Ring and corrupts his soul so that he ends up going nutzo on some jerkhole's car and eventually the whole town (but mostly still focusing on the cars because the filmmakers must have gotten a discount at the junkyard - where they probably also found the script and post-production equipment). That brings the cops that get high on the job down on his back. From here the plot gets even more convoluted and, seriously, without any reason given in the film itself as to why I should care, I opt for the default: I don't give a shit...

They did blow a lot of shit up in this film though (of course, when the trailer ends with "It will blow your mind!" there's a certain contractual obligation). This raises the questions: how did a movie this bad spend 90% of its budget on blowing shit up? Why not put 5, or even $10 on the production value and the script? Actually, I'll answer those questions for you...because the only thing even way more better than entertaining your audience, is confusing the shit out of them with applesauce.

2012 the "movie"

After watching this film, I tweeted John Cusack (pictured above trying to avoid the fact that he's actually in this movie) the following: "Watched 2012. Wow. Almost shoulda watched Troll 2 again instead." Needless to say, he hasn't responded.

So, this film is a disaster movie in the vein of Airport, Towering Inferno, or The Poseidon Adventure. Basically, the type of movie that Airplane! made fun of so well. The one thing to learn from this film is that we look back on those movies with more nostalgia than they're worth. They are spectacle. Plain and simple. And 2012 knows that very well.

To summarize the plot, I wouldn't need to dig too deep into detail. Essentially, the earth is doing some re-structuring and large groups of the working class and the middle management are being cut. Fortunately, John Cusack is a limo driver who has an uncanny knack for surrounding himself with people who can get him safely to another group of people who will be equally beneficial. Three times in a row he is on the only airplane escaping a sinking runway and able to dodge the subsequent falling buildings. Then, once there aren't runways to land on anymore, his plane is miraculously closer to land because of the earth's shifty-business. Awesome. And even with all of this, the filmmakers still try to trick us into believing he's dead at the end. Cheap trick, filmmakers. Cheap trick.

In fact, this film is full of cheap tricks. Somewhere around 85% of the film is buildings and buses and subway trains all flying around amok because of the disaster. The other 15% is basically what I described above. So, in the end, I really can't blame Mr. Cusack. He probably only had to work for about a week on this movie anyway. I still would have suggested he turn it down though. I mean, it was made by the guy who made the American Godzilla movie. That one still stings.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

A magic shop owner keeps horribly deformed children captive in a garbage pail. Those mentally challenged kids escape and befriend a fairly normal looking kid. (Isn't that always the way it goes?) They form a clothing company to help him win the heart of a girl and then break out into song (SONG!?!?!) That is your plot for The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. That's what you've done to yourself. Great job society.

Seriously though, I was part of the problem as much as anyone else. My backpack had a rubberbanded stack of the cards when I was about nine years old. It was about an inch thick and worn around the edges. So, yes, I fully implicate myself in this tragedy of a commercial....er, movie.

Oddly, the Ali Gator character sounds exactly like Carl from Aqua Teen. I tried to find an audio clip online to illustrate this little tidbit, but apparently no one cares enough about this movie. And rightly so. It certainly earned a place (at one time) among the lowest 100 on the IMDB list of all movies, ever.

By the time I was finished with the film, the film wasn't yet over. In fact, it went on for another hour. (running time: 96 minutes) But I did learn two valuable lessons: always make friends with a biker gang, and children's movies are a super-weird kind of disturbing.

This movie creeped me out. A little bit like Teeth did. That will probably mean I'll be dreaming of this tonight:

Bitch Slap

Alright. Who doesn't love naked/nearly-naked/scantily-clad/sparsely-dressed/nude-ish/overly bare women? You show me someone who doesn't love them, and I will show you someone whose soul is mal-adjusted. Straight women love women. Lesbians love women. Even a bunch of gay dudes out there dig on the female form sans the attraction aspect.

Bitch Slap focuses on this from the start without being too much about breaking "type." In the first five minutes there's a group of women who've taken some dude hostage in their trunk. That's no the problem. The problem is, one of them is almost reduced to tears when he sends a harsh word her way. At this point, I'm still hoping that the film might be about everyone stepping into baddassery. Later, there's the obligatory lesbian scene. It's grindhouse. I dig it.

Come to find out, this movie has absolutely no clear direction. One second, it's the "play on grindhouse movies" movie. The next, it's jamming in some heavily green-screened scene straight out of the live action Speed Racer Movie. And suddenly she's using a hair-pick to interact with a computer and there's some serious green-screen again. Then we're back to the grindhouse. And to some scene that would look appropriate coming from a cutscene on an early 90's computer game (see below).

(trust me, you'll want to watch the following)

Maybe I don't get it. There might be some serious genius going on here. To be honest though, the use of all of these different filming techniques might be interesting in its variety, but their overuse raises the question of whether these choices were made deliberately...or haphazardly. I can see little evidence of one - and a lot of the other.

But then again, I do love sexy women doing their acting-things, dripping in their own sexiness. While being sexual.

So, the lesson here is: If you're going to just hit one note in your movie...

Boobs is never a wrong answer: