Laserblast

I first saw this movie ages ago while staying up later than I should have to watch USA Up All Night (most likely in the hope that some television censor-person was pissed off enough at his/her job that they knowingly left a small bit of T&A in the film). Those were the days.

In case you don't remember...either Gilbert Godfrey or Rhonda Shear would banter about how bad the film was and even show small snippets for ridicule. Laserblast is a representative example of the type of movies they would show.

It concerns a young man who has the misfortune of being surrounded by cops that get high on the job, some weird psychotic old guy, and a mother who takes every opportunity to get away from you to Acapolco. That combination is the worst part of it. What takes us as an audience into feeling full and complete sympathy for this character is that all of the people mentioned (and others) are willingly participating in a bad movie.

That wouldn't be so terrible, except that the lead actor seems to have convinced himself that he's a good actor in a good movie.

Seriously though, an alien leaves some type of rocket-arm-that-shoots-lasers on earth and this main character Luke Skywalker stand-in finds it. There are other aliens who want to find the thing and they hunt Stooge Lightwalkerdon down in a useless "teen party" scene. It's at this point in re-watching the film that I sorely miss the quippy insights of either Rhonda or even, sadly, Gilbert freakin' Godfry (a phrase I will never utter out loud). But here I am still sticking with it though. For you, dear reader. All for you.

"Watch as he immasculates himself! See the terrible crucifixtion of his dignity!! Watch as he assails his mind with the mostly heretofore hypothesized inanity!!!"

Anyhow, Bruce Bi-stalker seems to be a pretty good guy. Unfortunately, the rocket-arm-that-shoots-lasers kinda acts like the One-Ring and corrupts his soul so that he ends up going nutzo on some jerkhole's car and eventually the whole town (but mostly still focusing on the cars because the filmmakers must have gotten a discount at the junkyard - where they probably also found the script and post-production equipment). That brings the cops that get high on the job down on his back. From here the plot gets even more convoluted and, seriously, without any reason given in the film itself as to why I should care, I opt for the default: I don't give a shit...

They did blow a lot of shit up in this film though (of course, when the trailer ends with "It will blow your mind!" there's a certain contractual obligation). This raises the questions: how did a movie this bad spend 90% of its budget on blowing shit up? Why not put 5, or even $10 on the production value and the script? Actually, I'll answer those questions for you...because the only thing even way more better than entertaining your audience, is confusing the shit out of them with applesauce.