Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

If there ever was a fruit that would have justification for rebelling against humanity, it is certainly the psuedo-vegetable Tomato. And from the start, their revolt is captured in its full glory through a series of vignettes that coalesce into a fantastic poetry plucked from the ether of B-movie awesome. It's like Night of the Living Dead took a bath with Airplane! scented soap and then toweled off with The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.

Thing is, there's no discernable plot here. Well, except that the tomatoes are attacking. Outside of that, it's just a bunch of people in scenes reacting to the attacking. Honestly, the best part of any of these attacks is the gibberish that the tomatoes spew as their signature "noise" (the first thirty-seconds of the video below...be sure to turn up the sound).

It truly is a relief to be reassured that this movie doesn't even attempt to take itself seriously. You never know with Hollywood these days. They make a 2012 movie just a year shy of scientists figuring out they miscalculated the date (couple that with the idea that far too many Americans believe there's some insight to be gained from an ancient calendar when they largely don't inform themselves outside of their own point of view, and the combination is troubling).

Thankfully, this film has gotten me to thinking about the larger issues in life. I mean, have you prepared for a fruit attack!? Is your family safe from the harm that any number of savagely photosynthisizing and mobile plant-parts could inflict upon your simple existence?! These things have no conscience. They cannot distinguish between the blood of an innocent babe and water running from a kitchen tap! These most un-beastly of beasts are propagating the earth around us in order to extend their most un-claw-like of claws and ravage us from the planet. Something must be done, and done now!!!

America has led the charge in avoiding these vicious fuckers whose only aim is to spread their seeds to every viable corner of soil and take it as their own!! It's time for someone else to follow our lead. It's time for some international body to support our efforts in this as they basically ride our coattails in the name of an international governing body.

I'm looking at you, United Nations.

So, if someone in my family...or a friend's family...or someone who I hear about from someone I know...or an American that is reported on the news - even if he's from a different state and I've never met him...or a foreigner (but it really depends on what country they're from)...if ANY of these people are eviscerated by these rampaging garden resultants...well then, we have a serious problem. And I will continue to ignore that problem for as long as possible while simultaneously blaming any group of people or metaphysical idea that I'm able to point an accusing finger at.

Happy voting folks!