Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)

We now return to our regularly scheduled program:

And now that I’m back, I have to be the first to write, and therefore contribute to the internet, that Lone Wolf McQuade is the Chuck Norris’ magnum opus. This is his Fistful of Dollars. This is where he is Connery’s Bond. He makes the Chuck Norris here that all other variations will deviate from. With that said, the guy has a serious hard-on for playing a Texas Ranger on film. Regardless, if ever a man earned the right to be described as “grizzled,” it is certainly the man with a fist behind his beard.

Well the music of the film was as inspired-by-Ennio-Morricone-but-ended-up-mocking-it-through-a-horribly-failed-imitation as the filmmaker was inspired-by-Sergio-Leone-but-ended-up-mocking-it-through-a-horribly-failed-imitation. So, they were well-paired. But no amount of horribly cheesy imitation music can save this plot from writing itself. Seriously, if you put a bunch of monkeys in a room after you’ve force-fed them chocolate-covered clichés all morning, evening, and night for six months, the first draft of what they write would be the script for Lone Wolf McQuade. Hell, they’d probably even spit out a cast list that has Chuck Norris’ name at the top.

Side Note: There is a seriously obscene amount of shirtless-Chuck in this film. Shirtless-Chuck shoots guns while he’s shirtless. Why? Because one thing that shirtless-Chuck does is whatever the hell shirtless-Chuck wants.

Anyway, Ranger Chuck is your Dirty Harry of Texas Rangers. He has a daughter and some bad peeps just go on ahead and almost kill her into a ditch in her car after killing her boyfriend all uzi-like. Those bad peeps are led by karate champ David Carradine at his smarmy best (until he, sadly, fights Chuck while wearing a freakin cardigan in the final battle).

Eventually, Ranger Chuck’s dog-wolf gets killed, Ranger Chuck gets almost-killed, and there’s some serious last-15-minutes-revenge-action. This film is not about the plot though. It’s about watching shirtless-Chuck shoot guns, Ranger Chuck kick some ass, Emotional (?) Chuck make-out in the mud and punch the ground when his wolf gets shot all uzi-like, and then Ranger Chuck get some kick ass revenge. It’s good stuff.

Seriously, Ranger Chuck wears a bullet belt. And he comes back from the brink of death to ask for a beer. umfuckyes.

Anyhow, Chuck is an exceedingly more badass Texas Ranger in this film than he is in that whole millennia-long Walker Texas Ranger series (and seriously, who was keeping the ratings of that show so far above the water-line!?!!). That means there’s punching and anger…Chuck-style (invincible, angry, and with gravy-thick layer of imitation Ennio Morricone music draped over Chuck putting a cowboy hat on or putting his gun in the gun-belt). As a warning, he does quite a bit of glistening as a result of his deluge of Chuck Norris punching/anger/headband/sweetness in the latter half of the film, so be sure to put on your protective gear.