The Last Airbender (2010)

There's an old saying in writing: show, don't tell.  

This film takes that idea, kicks it in the nuts, stabs it in the ribs with a rusty shiv, then lights its carcass on fire and wears the charred skin like a suit so that the image and smell linger long after you stop watching.  

If that wasn't bad enough to make for a truly bad film, the acting is about as good as an episode of Saturday Night Live where the actors are reading their lines from a poster board just off-screen.  I get that they're children for the most part, and that they are driving the entire plot through close-ups and conversation, but if you're going to make a fantasy movie, the actors are going to have to pull off some seriously weird lines.  It's just part of the job.  

I'd summarize the plot for you, but since the actors spend 100% of their on-screen time doing that, I don't want to rob them of their only useful job in this pile of loosely coiled, steaming excrement.  Besides, I don't care enough.  Not about the characters.  Not about the story.  Just not at all.  

Make no mistake, this is not a "good" bad movie.  This here is just a plain, old-fashioned, horrible film.  After watching these people talk to one another about things for over an hour (and then narrate to "mix it up" a little), I wanted to punch the population of the world in the face for going to see this movie to the extent that they did.  Shame on you, worldwide film-going audiences.  Shame on you.

But I made it through.  With the help of some severe inebriation, I braved the excruciating exposition and total lack of any character doing anything that might get the viewer to the next plot-point.  Honestly, I don't recommend the level of annihilation that this film requires.  There may not be enough intoxicating substances to last us as a society if too many people try to endure all 100+ minutes of this apathetic talk-a-thon.  

What I do know (because it was said so many times) is that if you kill the Avatar, he'll just be reborn again.  Maybe they should have killed him.  That way he might have been reborn into a decent movie.  

Hausu (1977)

The Criterion Collection just released this film on DVD with a fantastic set of extras and a whole slew of infused legitimacy. Honestly, I think it's the best example of the company showing that they are not just movie snobs with an interest in reinforcing the standard canon. It's a little like a Shakespearean critic giving two thumbs up to 10 Things I Hate About You and then hosting a Ross Perot-style Infomercial about the DVD. You might not get what their motivation is, but the fact that they're going to these lengths is impressive even without understanding it.

While the film is about a young girl who goes to visit her aunt with a group of her school friends, it is literally shot in such a fashion that makes all of what I just typed irrelevant. The stylistic content is absolutely stomping on the literal plot. From the painted backgrounds to the animated segments and the creepy cat, this film takes the snooze-worthy set-up and churns it into a raging blast of quirky artistry. Nobuhiko Obayashi definitely did not waste the screen-time of his film. He took every rubber-stamp moment and turned it on its head. Need to get those school-girls to the house of the film's title? Well, why not do it with a little psychadelia sprinkled around the edges? Got some boring exposition? Spice it up with kaleidascoping. How can you jazz up a lot of drawn out chatter? Throw in a pratfall scene and boatloads of matte backgrounds...maybe even a short animated sequence where the girls ride the train out to the countryside.

Even with all the Easy Rider experimentation, the first part of the film drags. It's nice that we actually view a flashback as if the girls are watching it on an old grainy film, but it still doesn't quite make up for the fact of that the story is a bit tedious. As I said, the style is definitely out-weighing the substance here. But maybe that's the point: to take a vapid script and turn it into something visually exciting. To tell the truth, most American horror films can't seem to accomplish this task. And I still wait for the day when both style and substance wedge their way into American film in general (although, to reel the cynicism back a notch, there are a few examples that do a damned good job).

Once the girls get to the aforementioned House, the weirdness doesn't stop (some kung-fu action against falling chandelier crystals, for example). As soon as there's a floating severed head biting her schoolgirl friend on the ass, you know that weirdness has turned a strange corner. After that, there's a woman eating a severed hand, a fire-woman, a schoolgirl getting beaten to death by pillows and mattresses, and an awesome-ass piano death (see below).

Needless to say, the movie is weird. It's even a hair more weird than my usual fare, but still not quite as far out in the stratosphere as The Holy Mountain. Definitely a different kind of horror to be had with this horror film.

A few things to note:

*Word on the street is that the director got the story idea from his 12 year-old daughter

*The director got his start directing Charles Bronson in Mandom commercials (nothing sells some cologne like showing a couple of guys putting it on...together)

So, thank you Criterion. You've definitely educated me on how liberally you interpret the phrase "important classic and contemporary films". This movie definitely opened my eyes to all sorts of crazy. Maybe next time you could do an edition of The Killing of Satan?

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

If there ever was a fruit that would have justification for rebelling against humanity, it is certainly the psuedo-vegetable Tomato. And from the start, their revolt is captured in its full glory through a series of vignettes that coalesce into a fantastic poetry plucked from the ether of B-movie awesome. It's like Night of the Living Dead took a bath with Airplane! scented soap and then toweled off with The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.

Thing is, there's no discernable plot here. Well, except that the tomatoes are attacking. Outside of that, it's just a bunch of people in scenes reacting to the attacking. Honestly, the best part of any of these attacks is the gibberish that the tomatoes spew as their signature "noise" (the first thirty-seconds of the video below...be sure to turn up the sound).

It truly is a relief to be reassured that this movie doesn't even attempt to take itself seriously. You never know with Hollywood these days. They make a 2012 movie just a year shy of scientists figuring out they miscalculated the date (couple that with the idea that far too many Americans believe there's some insight to be gained from an ancient calendar when they largely don't inform themselves outside of their own point of view, and the combination is troubling).

Thankfully, this film has gotten me to thinking about the larger issues in life. I mean, have you prepared for a fruit attack!? Is your family safe from the harm that any number of savagely photosynthisizing and mobile plant-parts could inflict upon your simple existence?! These things have no conscience. They cannot distinguish between the blood of an innocent babe and water running from a kitchen tap! These most un-beastly of beasts are propagating the earth around us in order to extend their most un-claw-like of claws and ravage us from the planet. Something must be done, and done now!!!

America has led the charge in avoiding these vicious fuckers whose only aim is to spread their seeds to every viable corner of soil and take it as their own!! It's time for someone else to follow our lead. It's time for some international body to support our efforts in this as they basically ride our coattails in the name of an international governing body.

I'm looking at you, United Nations.

So, if someone in my family...or a friend's family...or someone who I hear about from someone I know...or an American that is reported on the news - even if he's from a different state and I've never met him...or a foreigner (but it really depends on what country they're from)...if ANY of these people are eviscerated by these rampaging garden resultants...well then, we have a serious problem. And I will continue to ignore that problem for as long as possible while simultaneously blaming any group of people or metaphysical idea that I'm able to point an accusing finger at.

Happy voting folks!